The Polar Vortex happened. It was really, really cold. So cold, in fact, that Chicago, a place of both extreme heat and cold, said, “screw it, we’re not doing coffee today.” It was so cold that the temperatures in Chicago were lower than the temperatures in Antarctica (and don’t let Joe Marrocco tell you otherwise).
Humans have developed a few quirky attributes during their time on this rock. One time-honored trait—wearing shorts in the freezing cold—has been well–documented during this most recent flurry. But a new trait has emerged. Presumably stemming from whatever part of the brain makes people wear shorts in sub-zero temperatures has produced a new breed of humans, ones who drink iced coffee as the Arctic Tundra falls down around them.
And it’s not an isolated event. Reports are coming in from New York and Washington, D.C. that folks are not only braving the elements to get coffee, but are, of their own recognizance, ordering cold coffee. It’s truly baffling. And as the Gothamist reports, even TV stars like the Daily Show’s Roy Wood Jr. are making iced coffee pit stops. I guess iced coffee is still technically warmer than it is outside? I have no idea what’s going on.
According to GayStarNews, there is only one answer to this rash of unexplainable coffee behavior: gay people. The article notes a penchant for iced coffee amongst the gay community, a trope explored elsewhere online, such as the popular Instagram account @Best_Of_Grindr. And while it doesn’t say for sure that any of the folks taking part in this current trend are queer, they aren’t not saying it either. My baptist music minister once told teenaged me that the gays would lead to society’s downfall (true story), but I don’t think he meant via frostbite from an iced coffee run.
Thankfully, the coldest days appear to be behind us. Now everyone can return to drinking coffee in temperatures only slightly below that of their beloved iced coffee. Because let’s be honest, it seems you were going to do it anyway, regardless of the current climate.
As I write this, I’m realizing the harsh truth that I have and will forever and ever drink hot coffee during the heat of the Texas summers. I see now what a hypocrite I am. So go enjoy your cold in the cold coffee, you holy fools. Know that your brother from another weather supports you.
Top image via the City of New York
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